Lord, please heal the abused

The Lord has been moving in my heart to collect the many prayers I have written and will write and make them into a book. A possible title is “Prayer Poems from the Garden.” The garden reference is to the Garden of Gethsemane, where Christ prayed for the dark and impending hour of His crucifixion to pass. Then, He said the Father’s will was more important.. When I think of the Garden of Gethsemane, images of healing come to mind.. In each of us there lies a wounded healer. This will be one of the prayers.

Almighty God, as I come to Your throne of grace, I plead with you to heal the abused. Father, remember how You saw me beaten and battered as a child, not just in body, but also in spirit? I lived in a private hell. I was afraid to go to sleep at night. The darkness was filled with terror.I must not go to sleep. I must stay awake. Dad could come in and kill me.

Tears would soak my pillow as a boy of five. I would cry out to You, Oh, God, where did my kind and loving father go? Where did that sweet man go, who would carry me piggy back on his shoulders with the drops of ice-cream falling from my face to his shirt? Father, remember how dad would tell everyone he met how much he loved me and how proud he was to have a son like me?

Where did that man go, who would wake me up at 3:00 a.m. to have a hearty country breakfast before going smelt fishing? The smell of bacon flavoured with maple syrrup, the sound of the bacon sizzling in the pan, the enticing aroma of the eggs and the bacon wafting through the air. Memories of love, of time out of time when for brief flashes I would see the man You had created, filled with love for my mom, me, my brother and two sisters.

It was like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One moment, Lord, dad was the kindest man in the world. The next moment he was mean, nasty, and cruel.

I recall those hurting and haunting thoughts dad spoke over me as if I was that wounded child once again. “You’re so stupid. You’re lazy. You disappoint me. June, Kevin can tie his own shoes! You’re a mamma’s boy. Your brother is smarter than you’ll ever be. Can’t you do anything right?”

Under the willow tree by our home in the hot wind of July, as a boy of five, I would pray to be rescued from this living nightmare of horror. The branches danced with the wind. I felt the sweet caress of Your love, hearing and feeling every tear. You spoke to me then that one day You would free us from the prison of our abuse. I was hurting too much inside to believe it then.

Father, six years later in the dawn of morning’s light we escaped to a new life away from our dungeon of pain. You heard and answered my prayer.

As I look back upon that time, I know that even at the age of five, You were calling me to be a missionary of the heart. You allowed the abuse that I might seek to understand those who are abused in body, mind and spirit. I would be a wounded healer.

You spoke to my heart today to write these thoughts. You want all to be freed from their prison of abuse. You want them to have a life of happiness.

Lord, I am thankful that after 48 years of ignoring the deep wounds, counseling for over two years now is showing me that I can use the heartache I experienced, to reach out to those who are abused. I am finally on the road to it becoming a story.

I renounced the vow I had made at age 11 as I saw my mom cowering in the darkness of the basement storage room bloodied, terrorized, that I would find a way to kill my father. It took until I was in my late thirties to finally forgive him and renounce the vow I had spoken out in hatred and my own inner rage.

I do not know your pain. I am risking being vulnerable that all abused people even if they can’t forgive their abuser, would forgive themselves. You did nothing wrong. My prayer is that you would be healed.

That is not just my prayer. It is the prayer of all of us, who are people of love. Amen

http://osborne2029.wordpress.com

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About osborne2029

I enjoy spending time with people just having a coffee or talking about life, philosophy, religion, politics or sharing a favorite joke or story. We learn from one another as we interact and share our joys, challenges and even our times of sadness. I enjoy reading, writing, singing and sharing in the blessing of community whether that is one on one or in groups. I'm married and am powned by two kitties named Sir William of Lounge a.k.a. Sir Lounge a Lot and Princess Catherine of Chaos a.k.a. Her Royal Highness Catherine of Englehart. I m in an M.A.-Ph.D program with St. James the Elder Theological Seminary to train to become a psychotherapist and priest. Let us pray for and reach out to each other with kindness, love and an embracing compassion. We can working together be servants with two open hands to those in need so that hate, indifference and inequality would lose and love will win. The peace and abounding joy of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you.

Posted on September 24, 2013, in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 16 Comments.

  1. That’s beautiful, and there is such a need for words like this in our hurting world. Did you read Henry Nouwen’s book on the Wounded Healer?

    • Hi Judy

      Thanks for the uplifting comment. Yes, I have read Nouwen’s insightful and honest book called “The Wounded Healer.” Many have said that I am one myself. Nouwen dared to be real and even vulnerable. It was as I read his writings that my Lord spoke to my heart. He said I was to write about my own journey of pain, that many would finally come forward with their story and heal themselves.

      You may know that Father Henri Nouwen was a chaplain at L’Arche in Richmond Hill, just outside of Toronto. If you ever get the opportunity to go there, I highly recommend their retreat centre called the Cedars. It’s good to get away out of the noise of your life, and just be alone with God and the beauty of His creation. As i write this, I remember the sweet songs of a cardinal perched on a tree, the sun streaming through the kitchen window and reading one of Nouwen’s many books from the Henri Nouwen library.

      At L’Arche (The Ark) I could just be me. No demands. No expectations. No schedule other than when I was invited out of my retreat to awesome meals prepared by the loving and caring hands of live-in assistants.

      I am doing my Master of Theology in Missions thesis on reflections of what I learned as I live in community again. I really am looking forward to it. Although I will be working hard interviewing the members of L’Arche and staff, I know there will be times of laughter, of sharing the blessing of this community, who teach us lessons in the giving and receiving of love. Love that gives and asks with real longing hearts, “Will you love me”

      The title of my thesis is “From Liability to Blessing -A Study of the L’Arche Richmond Hill Community in Toronto.” I will write about how many have perceived me as a liability. I have an extremely rare progressive neuro degenerative disorder called oliviopontocereballar ataxia. Believe me, even my current neurologist had to look it up in a medical textbook. It basically means that a genrontologist who diagnosed it, says that it is a variant form that will have its times of improvement in my mobility and even my speech, but that there would be a slow and progressive downturn in my condition.

      I can walk some, but when I’m out I need a walker or wheelchair. I’ve been having problems with short-term memory for many years.I’m forgetting more things. At times it has been so bad that I also get swallowing problems and have had to eat food that has been put through a blender. I have been intubated eight times.

      Yet, the Lord is using my challenges in many amazing ways! My struggles with this, pernicious anemia and a very rare mast cell proliferation disease called systemic mastocytosis, which according to a University of Toronto report affects 1 in 500,000 people in developed countries, gives me a window of understanding into the suffering of others. Like many of the residents of L’Arche, I too have been ridiculed. I have felt the stinging pain of insults because I wasn’t as athletic or agile as others.

      There is no known cure for all of my conditions. The reality my wife and I have come to accept is that barring proper treatments, I will not have a long life. However, the challenges of today doesn’t mean a cure won’t be found tomorrow.

      The profound blessing to having life-threatening conditions is that you learn to value each day as a gift. I would like to take my loving and so so beautiful wife, Karen, on an Alaskan cruise and see many countries as even a visiting missionary.

      I am under the excellent care of my naturopathic physician, Dr. Jonathan Prousky ably assisted by my medical intern, Karen Maloney. I am taking five mast cell regulators and six antihistamines. They are helping me get back focus, energy and concentration. My writing mentors and my wife, who is an aweome writer, say that my writing is getting tighter and more impacting. Flus that used to last several weeks have been reduced significantly in their severity within two weeks. That’s not surprising given that mastocytosis is also anb auto immune condition.

      Per ardua est astra, which is Latin for through difficulties to the stars” is my life philosophy. While my conditions are a part of who I am, neither do they define me.

      Karen teases me when the Sweedish chef, who also sings Italian love songs makes an appearance. It’s a take off on the Sweedish chef on the Muppets. When he sings instead of O Sola Mio, “Oh, snorkin borkin bork snork…” Karen says laughing uproariously, “A Swedish chef singing Italian love songs, okaaay …”

      Hope that gave you a good laugh.

      Blessings,

      Kevin

      • Hi Kevin,

        What an amazing story you have to share, what a wonderful inspiration you are. I’m so sorry to hear about your physical afflictions, but you remind me of that Scripture that says “We have these treasures in earthen vessels.” The physical may be falling apart, but the spirit burns bright and strong.

        I’ve never been to a retreat, but it sounds wonderful. It’s awesome that you’ve gotten to spend time at L’Arche. No, I didn’t know Henry Nouwen was chaplain there. I’ve read a few other of his books (although I see by a quick search on Amazon that there are many more I should read), one of which was “In the Name of Jesus: Reflections on Christian Leadership,” which I loved.

        Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us. I’m not clear on the connection between you and Marmar, but I’m very glad to have been introduced to this blog. Please do keep us posted on your writing endeavors, and may the Lord continue to bless you! I’d also like to hear if you and your wife make it to Alaska. 🙂

      • Thanks so much for your inspiring and uplifting thoughts. I’m glad I got you interested in reading more of Nouwen’s writing. I’ll keep you informed of what’s happening in my life. Thank you most kindly for your interest. I’d love to be able to write you some day that I did take my wife, Karen, on that Alaskan cruise.

        A friend has offered us an opportunity that may see Karen and I going to the Holy Land. People who have come back from there say it was a life-changing experience that brought them closer to God than ever before.

        Could you please pray that Karen will be accepted for M.Div studies at the University of Toronto. I am also praying about taking further graduate theological studies there. I feel a strong call to a counseling, writing and singing ministry. I am particularly interested in chaplaincy work wherever the Lord wants to put me.

        It’s His calling for His Kingdom reasons.

        Thanks for being a part of Karen’s and my journey.

        May the Lord bless you abundantly and cause everything you do for Him to prosper.

        Kevin

      • Kevin, it sounds like you and Karen are living a very exciting life! My life has taken a different course, but I’ve often wished I could have taken courses in theology. It would be fantastic if you could take a trip to the Holy Land. I’m sure it is a life-changing experience, and I’m sure you will share it here, right? 🙂

        It’s very nice to meet you in this forum, and I very much look forward to hearing of your adventures. May God direct your paths even when you can’t tell that He is!

        Judy

      • If we go to the Holy Land I will blog here about the sites we see, the people we meet, lessons learned, and just the day to day things we experience. I have a contact at a seminary in Jerusalem, who has offered to take us on a tour of Jerusalem, places not everyone has been I’m sure. Many who come back from the Holy Land say it deepens their spiritual walk.

        To actually be in the places where Christ and His disciples ministered, that would be fantastic to experience!

        I would make a video diary of my experiences. Who knows? It may be that a future book comes out of it or even a series of short stories.

        I am so deeply touched that you are following my blog here.

        Please feel free to reblog or email any of the pieces on my own blog at:
        http://www.osborne2029.wordpress.com

        Likewise, Judy, it is a pleasure to meet you in this forum. When I open the comments section, it is always a wonderful surprise of the new connections, a few of which I believe are evolving into friendships and with one a friendship and possible writing collaboration and a ministry outreach ministry with another contact.

        I give glory, honour, thanks and praise to our holy God, for the abilities He has given me as writer and in ministry. I am a blessed man. My cup is full and running over.

        Judy, I thank God for you.

        May the Lord direct your paths even when clouds and struggle encircle you.

        Kevin

  2. Brother, thank you so much for being open and honest and bold with your sharing. It is not only highly appreciated but also very encouraging!

    I too am walking out of quite a bit of abuse and garbage as well from my past and am encouraged by your sharing and prayerful for you as you work towards helping others in the healing process.

    God Bless You friend!

    • Hi Kendall

      I read on your blog that you live in Texas. I live in northern, Ontario, Canada in the small town of Englehart, population 1,521.

      I’m going to some really rough places in all the writing about abuse my Lord is calling me to do. Let us both pray for protection from the Enemy as we write and ask others to pray for us.

      I read some of your pieces. I am impressed! You speak with such openness about the pain of being bullied. That takes courage. Bullying is cruel. The one who commits this form of abuse usually has low self-esteem. They lift themselves up by bringing others down. What you are doing takes an inner courage I applaud.

      You should prayerfully consider becoming a co-author on Marmar’s blog. Your creative pieces would interest many. Yet, their greater interest would be as you write from your own experiences, and the lessons you learned along the way. Marmar has over 11,000 people following his blog. Think of the kingdom potential your writing and cartoon and TV analysis would have. Your thoughts would fit well with Marmar’s ministry of inspiring others. I just ask that you pray about it, brother and seek the Lord’s will.

      I will be reblogging some of your pieces. Miles Cooper, where did you come up with a name like that? Very creative idea having a cartoon story. You also have been engaged in youth ministry. You’ve been busy for your Lord!

      Let us pray, brother, about a possible collaboration between us in writing, cartooning mand ministry. I have have 1,423 contacts around the world on Linkedin since March of this year.I have many of my pieces displayed on my professional gallery. You may want to prayerfully consider this as a way to get your work out to a wider audience.

      If you are interested, I can email you links for some of my pieces.

      You can email me at hemingwayca@yahoo.ca

      Have a Son-filled week!

      Kevin

      • Hi Kevin:
        It would be an honor to do some collaborations together! Absolutely!

        Also, what is the site address to Marmar?

        I’ll make sure to Email you as well!

        – Kendall

  3. Hello Marmar. Thank you for showing interest in my blog (A Leopard in Didsbury). I have read this post and am really touched by your story, your words and your spirit. I’m not a Christian but follow a spiritual path, so I’ve reserved a seat on your blog 🙂 I worked out that you were about 53 years old (“after 48 years of ignoring the deep wounds”, but then I looked at your profile and that’s obviously not right! You are very wise for your years. I look forward to reading more.

  4. Thank you so much for the prayer. This is such an amazing and deeply moving prayer. I also pray that those of us who have been wounded so will come to the place that we trust Jesus and go back and walk into the memories and with the help of Jesus begin to heal these memories and wounds. I pray that out of that there will rise up wounded healers. I find that the more that I am helping another the more I am being healed. Sometimes even touching another wounded spot that I had not seen before. Thanks for sharing this again. Prayers for you my friend. Thank you Sandy

  5. Wow you were very brave to share what you have. May God bless you and bring you healing to every dimension of your being.

    • Hi Michelle

      It was a difficult prayer to write. It required me to revisit painful memories I far would have preferred of my own humanity to leave buried. The almost three years of counselling I have received has finally helped me see the truth of the beautiful person I truly am. I am not the ugliness and hate my father and many others have spoken into my life.

      My greatest counsellor has been my Lord, the Great Physician of our hearts. This morning my wife, Karen and I, as we spoke both agreed that the greatest healer of broken lives and relationships is Christ. Even with my many years of training and experience as a Christian counsellor, I know that I am only a facilitator of a person’s healing journey. My central focus must always be to point all I counsel back to God.

      As I emerge from my own prison of abuse, I see a wonderful truth sinking deep into my soul. My Lord is going to use all that hurt to be one of His healers of wounded hearts. There are those so beaten and worn down by their unresolved pain of their abuse, that they are not living the life God wanted for them. I am going to do my best with my Lord’s help to free as many people as possible from their prisons of abuse.

      I was most fascinated to learn of the 30 day call of Archbishop Desmond Tutu to forgive. I truly believe that this can transform people’s lives and our world. I like one of the quotes. “Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves.” For over 48 years of my life I didn’t fully give myself that gift. I find that in my life I must give the gift of forgiveness to myself again and again. Just when I think I have fully forgiven all the people who have hurt me deeply and abused my trust, my Lord points out to me that this for me and I believe many of us, is an ongoing journey of letting go of our right to be right, of the feeling that we earned this unresolved pain; it is our badge of honour. Yet, I have discovered that it is a heavy badge to wear.

      Thank you with all of my heart, for your most encouraging and uplifting words. I am deeply touched that you feel I am a brave man. You have released much more healing into my life through the use of that one powerful word. For most of my life those haunting voices from my past abuse said I was a coward, helpless and weak. I wore the false label of failure on my heart for far too long. I thought I failed my mother because I could not protect her from her horrifying and defeating abuse. My father in his unhealthy mind said I would always be a failure. I began to believe that destructive CD playing on continuous play in my mind.

      Forgiveness is finally releasing that river of life and beauty into my life.

      Michelle, may God pour out the river of His richest blessings into your life. I’m going to send a message today supporting the work of the human journey project. They have another member in this world doing what he can with God’s help to bring healing and purpose into people’s lives.

      Let us all do what we can to be healers of wounded hearts and broken lives. That is truly how we can all change our communities and our world.

      Have a Son-filled life!

      Kevin

      • Kevin, thanks for responding to my comment. Glad that it touched you. In many ways I feel your pain and have been on my own journey of forgiveness and like you still am taking things one step at a time. One of the things that brings me the greatest joy and healing however is seeing my kids grow up free from fear and just enjoying life. I love being able to bless and empower them and others…

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