As a wise pastor shared with me after reading my sermon I have posted entitled Who turned on the light? the issue of it not being wrong for a man to cry is summed up in two simple words recorded in John, chapter eleven, verse thirty-five. “Jesus wept.” She is referring to Martha, a sister of Lazarus, holding Christ responsible for her brother’s death. In John 11:21-22 she says, ” If only you had been here, Lord,” said Martha, “my brother would never have died. And I know that, even now, God will give you whatever you ask from him.” (J.B. Phillips New Testament). Under the weight of such rebuke Christ the man of sorrows acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53:3) buckles. He displays the tears that many men have been taught shows weakness. No, guys, hear this truth in your heart. You are not weak. You have been strong too long.
I share with you a recent painful experience with the prayer that it will help with yours and my healing from abuse.
About a week ago I call my sister, Valerie, to give her difficult news that she needs to hear. I do not want what I tell her to be taken by my sister, Judy, blown out of proportion. Judy in as much as I love her always sees the worst thing that could happen. Please pray for her own healing from her abusive husband, Victor. I am expecting to be thanked for giving her this hard news, so she does not worry. I tell her that my extremely rare auto immune condition of mastocytosis is worsening. I tell her that there is a possibility a lesion on my left buttocks is cancerous.Karen and I are concerned that the lesion is changing its shape.There continues to be pain in that area and throughout my body. I am on heavy pain medication for neuropathic pain. For those not familiar with what that is this occurs when nerves are dying. Each day I have less sensation in my feet than the day before. I notice that I can move my toes up and down with little feeling. I have a burning sensation from my feet into my legs. I have a tingling sensation from my feet into my legs. At times I get shooting pains going up my legs.
I tell my sister these things because I do not want my sister, Judy, creating undue fear. As I write these next thoughts tears form. I feel the pain. I feel the anger. I feel the betrayal. I feel those haunting memories of abuse from my schizophrenic father and all of the people who have and continue to abuse me through their words of judgement, through their words of disgust, through their words of their own unresolved anger. My oldest and dearest sister, Valerie, instead of offering her love offers me words of rebuke that come from the pit of Hell itself. They are words from the philosophy of the Church of Scientology (and I use the word church very loosely ) that I asked for the faulty body I have. I am just lazy and unmotivated. If I would just commit myself to becoming “clear” everything would be fine. I would no longer have any problems. I would be completely healed of every sickness Expecting to be loved and valued for what I tell her I get her disdain. She says with a scolding tone, “I have pain and I go to work.”
“I have pain and I go to work.” “I have pain and I go to work.” “I have pain and I go to work.” I tell her that what she says hurts me deeply. She says, “I love you. I’m just in so much pain every day.” Unlike other times people have tried to accuse me of being what I am not, I do not let her comment stand. I tell her that regardless of her pain what she says hurts me. It is as if she takes the sharpest knife and stabs me with it multiple times. “I have pain and I go to work.” How dare she say such a cruel thing to me!If that is not bad enough she says, “You never have anything positive to say.” By making that statement she is in effect saying, “You are just like Judy, who never has anything positive to say.”
The problem for Valerie is that she is displaying the opposite to what the Church of Scientology believes. She gets anemia. She must have asked for that. She gets rheumatoid arthritis. She must have asked for that. She gets breast cancer. She must have asked for that. She is in constant pain. She must have asked for that. In the eyes of the Church of Scientology she is not acceptable. She must get herself clear. I am viewed as being one of the many people who is affecting her success in arriving at the state of being clear. I am a suppressive person preventing her from achieving her life goals. She must abandon all suppressive people.
Another problem for Valerie is that she still loves me. My niece, Renai, has abandoned me. She is a member of the Church of Scientology. My niece, Colleeen, has little to do with me.
Her husband, Larry, is a member of the Church of Scientology too. So many times he tells me all the ways I am a failure. He tells me to accept the fact that I asked for the imperfect body I have. I desired to have all the sickness I have had in my life. If I would just join them and become clear everything would be fine. I would have no financial worries
He is responsible for me being booted out of their home when I am going through a rough time with my health and looking for work. The only place I can find on short notice is a dingy small room so small I can barely turn around in it. I am on welfare and can afford nothing else on such short notice. Yet, what the Enemy seeks for harm becomes a time where I get closer to God and His will for my life. Light comes into my darkness through caring and supportive friends, who love me and help me with food, who take me out for a meal to get me out of that dark basement. The landlady gives me meals because with my pernicious anemia (B12 deficiency) and mastocytosis I am having problems getting any good from the food I eat. I am not absorbing the critical vitamins and minerals I need to stay alive. My sister sees me collapse multiple times from weakness. My doctor will later tell me it is from hypoxia, which is low blood oxygen.
Here are two problems for Larry and Valerie. Larry developed a heart problem. He could no longer work the way he had before. They had to sell their house because they could not meet the mortgage payments. Valerie has bad health. They are both defective in the eyes of the Church of Scientology because they have health problems and financial hardship.
Oh, how much the temptation came to lash back at her! I would tell her that does she call the following things that I have done and do not being work?:
1) Through undiagnosed pernicious anemia (B12 deficiency) and extremely rare auto immune condition mastocytosis affecting 1 in 500,000 people, working full-time as provincial and federal Rehabiltation Counsellor, security administrator, missionary in South Korea, and studying through The Salvation Army Territorial Education Department to receive an Honours Diploma in Biblical Studies, night school at then Ontario Bible College (now Tyndale University),candidate’s studies (field work and academics) for entering The Salvation William Booth Memorial College for Officers(minister) Training, two years of field and academic study at this school and studies at Canada Christian College & Graduate School, that it took 13 years for me to receive my Bachelor of Theology degree with honours from Canada Christian College & Graduate School in 1997.
2)Thousands of hours spent in counselling people with abuse issues.
3)A long night singing and speaking God’s affirmations of love into a dear friend, who is going to get a board and drive his power chair off the balcony to his death because he feels that he is the piece of rotting and stinking garbage that those who care for him, a pastor and so many people in his life say he is.
4)32 years from the time I accept Christ at age 19 until now of hearing all the issues people bring to me including but not limited to the following: burnout, marriage problems, unresolved anger, addictions, depression, suicide, grief from death of people they care about or sadness over taking life directions that lead to failure
5)Working over 2,000 hours conservatively praying developing and sharing a poverty alleviation plan that I still pray for God’s vision and direction about
6)Thousands of hours in networking and counselling people with their challenges and career aspirations
7)Studying for my M.A.- Ph.D in Clinical Christian Counselling with St. James the Elder Theological Seminary
8)Taking the necessary steps to start a Christian counselling practice in Englehart, northern Ontario, Canada
9)Starting a process of prayer and preparation leading to ordained ministry
10)Networking countless hours for work opportunities through the already 2,283 contacts I have on Linkedin
11)Thousands of hours praying about, writing and rewriting over 330 pieces on my blog in a year and a half.
12)Writing of songs and song lyrics as well as rehearsing and singing songs
13)Vocal training taken through fantastic vocal coach, Roger Burnley.
14)Thousands of hours of training and field work to become Certified Christian Counsellor
15) Many hours of training and studying to become a Certified Professional Christian Life Coach
If my sister, Valerie, thinks that is not working, then frankly I don’t know what is. She might respond, “By working I mean you are bringing in an income.” She would be right on that point. I am on Ontario Disability. I do want to bring in more income. I have shared with you that we have needs and goals that this program in as wonderfully helpful it is, it just does not have the current structure to do this.
I pray that if it is the Lord’s will that someone in the media will share my overcoming story. A wise counsellor said to me, “Kevin, I have people who could work that are naked or drunk when I see them. You could continue to collect disability, but here you are still fighting, preparing yourself for the time you will work.” I am touched so deeply by his uplifting comments.
Why have I done all of these things in my life? I could say that part of the reason is I want to prove that everything my father and all of my abusers say about me is wrong. The real reason I do all I have done is because it is the call of my Father. It is the promise I made to Him over 32 years ago after then Captain (now Commissioner) Maxwell Feener at The Salvation Army North York Temple asks this soul-penetrating question. “Are you riding the horse in victory or walking alongside in defeat?” He is referring to Christ’s triumphal entry through the streets of Jerusalem. “Are you riding the horse in victory or walking alongside in defeat?” A force not of my own takes me to the altar. A counsellor kneels with me as I pour out all of the pain of my abuse to my Lord and him. I ask for Christ to come into my life so I can go from abuse to alleluia. Tears flow as I write the words my Father calls me to say to you.
Today, I will be emailing my sister and telling her that whether she accepts it or not she needs to own the fact of the damage she inflicted. I have shared with those who have been following my blogs that I have been in counselling for over three years for memories of my abuse that resurfaced and demanded to be dealt with. God did not want to see me in pain any longer. He has called His counsellors to have me heal from my abuse. Sadly, I have come to the conclusion that in her own pain of body , mind and spirit my sister, Valerie, who I still love and my faith calls me to forgive, is an emotional abuser.
Those who abuse you want you to believe the false self they label you with. My sister has reignited thoughts spoken from the hate=filled words of my father and all the people who have abused me. “You’re lazy. You’re stupid. You’re weak. You’re a mama’s boy. Your brother is smarter than you’ll ever be. Why are you so clumsy that you can’t tie your own shoes? You are a piece of garbage. Are you ever going to work? You will always be a failure.”
I tell my wife, Karen, all the scornful things my sister says. In the love of my life next to God there are arms of comfort and tender compassion. She affirms me that I am the opposite of all the things all my abusers seek for me to believe. My sweet butterfly, thank you with all of my heart for speaking words of healing. Trust that God is going to do amazing things in your life. With all the obstacles the Enemy is throwing in your path know this truth. You must be doing powerful Kingdom work for all that is dark, all that is defeating, to focus this much attention on you.
My dear friends, do not, I repeat DO NOT believe the lies of the Enemy. Do not believe the lies of the agents of the Enemy. Rejoice that if the Enemy and those who serve him are giving you this much focus, you must be on the right path. If you are a victim of abuse, I urge you not to accept that situation. Call the police and have your abuser charged with assault. Your abuser needs to own the abuse they give you. They have to in order to make their own steps of healing from it. Your abuser is sick in their mind and needs healing whether or not he/she believes it
I say to the Enemy what you sought to be my destruction has given me the title for the book of my life. it will be From Abuse to Alleluia. Much of it has already been written through the many pieces about my abuse. Your abuse can be an overcoming story if you allow Christ to be the Lord of your life and heart.
You are the child of the King. Your soul has been bought with the precious blood of Christ shed for you on the Cross at Calvary. Please repeat these positive affirmations about yourself. I am beautiful. I am amazing. If you want to enter God’s family say these words or something you make up yourself with the same idea. I take every awful thing I have ever said or done and lay it at Your feet, Lord. Forgive me for the hurt I have done to others. I ask You to be the Lord of my life and heart. If you said these words or something like it, you have entered the family of God. Your life won’t be without problems. Let my life be a testimony to that fact. But here’s the gift. You will have strength not of your own to get through those problems and be a conqueror for Christ. The Enemy will not win. Victory in your life has already been carried out for you on the cross of mocking, cruelty and shame, which Christ through dying for all the wrong things you have done, has transformed into the cross of His forever love. All you need to do is summed up in one simple word, “come.” Come and lay all of your pain, abuse, sorrow, grief, shame and heartache at the Cross
My dear friends, when you do that, you too will go from abuse to alleluia.
B.Th. with honours, M,A.-Ph.D. student, D.D., D. sc., Diplomate in Creative Ministry
Certified Christian Counsellor through Canadian College of Christian Counsellors and Certified Professional Christian Life Coach through La Vonne Earl, Founder and Director of Your Kingdom Inheritance Coaching.
For more information on the Church of Scientology I recommend these following web links:
And the list of links goes on and on and on